Untitled Part 10

That night in her hotel room, they lay spooned together on her bed, enjoying the air conditioning and watching a crappy movie as it was the only English on TV. They fell asleep, breathing in rythm, relaxed in their embrace, the TV whittering in the background.

The next two weeks they travelled together, exploring small mountain villages, jumbled, rambling cities and sleepy beach resorts. It amazed her how naturally they got along; it never felt forced or awkward. They could easily spend a day seperately, sharing their stories over dinner, or wander together through crowded market places.

Only one small cloud hung over their time together. Only ten days remained until he had to catch a flight to Japan, and once again she'd be on her own.

Her thoughts strayed that way over dinner that night. She'd spent the day lounging in cafes and reading, while he visited a famous, crowded Wat just out of town. He was telling her about the ride up the mountain in a rattely, sketchy bus, winding up switchbacks with no safety rails and the bus doors wide open. She watched his face light up, his hands animated, his voice betraying his excitement. He was beautiful in that moment and she leaned across the table to kiss him.

"What was that for?" he smiled.
"For being so incredibly you."

She went quiet. She wanted to tell him how she felt, but was afraid to overwhelm him. She'd scared guys off in the past by expressing feelings for them. And this relationship couldn't go anywhere - it had an expiry date and they both new it.

"Maggie?" she looked up. His face looked rather serious.
"Come to Japan with me."
She blanched. "What?"
"I'm serious. Come to Japan with me. Or, I'll bail on Japan and we can go somewhere else together."

She was speechless, brain racing, yet not seeming to hold on to any thoughts.

"I know we're just having fun with this, butI think I'm falling in love with you."

Her heart pounded, thrumming in her ears so loudly she could no longer hear him. Or maybe he'd fallen silent. Her emotions were swirling faster than her thoughts, rendering her unaware of anything else. Fear reared up inside her like a frightened stallion. Wasn't this what she'd wanted? Didn't she feel the same way? Doubt flashed across her mind. This was too fast. Too much.

"I... I can't..." she tried to focus her thoughts, to look at his face, but nothing seemed to work. She stood up and hurried outside, stopping on the sidewalk to lean against a tree. Why was she so terrified by what he'd said?

Inside Jason sat dazed at the table, their half-finished meals in front of him. He didn't know what to think. Was she really that upset? He looked out the window and saw her standing and staring.

Deep breaths, she told herself. Deep breaths. She could feel herself calming down, the thoughts becoming clearer, easier to grasp. She looked around, able to see where she was for the first time. She looked back inside the restaurant and saw him with his face in his hands. She felt terrible - she must be putting him through hell. But she didn't feel like she could go back in there - just walk in and start talking. What could she say when she didn't even know what she felt, what she wanted.

When he looked up a few minutes later, she was gone. The pain in his chest felt heavier than before. He felt tired, deflated, disappointed. He stood up, paid the bill and wandered out into the night.

She wasn't sure how far she'd walked, or what time it was. She found a small temple and wandered into the grounds, sitting down on a convenient bench to think. She liked him. A lot. This much was certain. She didn't want him to leave in a week, she knew that too. But liking someone and moving to a new country to be with them were two different things. How could they even consider it so soon after meeting? They only knew each others present; both been closely guarding their pasts.

It seemed like the answer to what she wanted. A home, something to ground her. Part of her desperately wanted to run off with him: the excitement of new adventures, the possibility of falling madly in love.

But it was happening too fast. The excitement would wear off and then what? She didn't know if she could risk her heart again. She felt as if she'd only just put the pieces back together after the heartbreak of the past few years. It had taken so much time to find herself amid the destruction and chaos, how could she be willing to risk it again? Surely if it happened again it couldn't be fixed. Surely that pain would break her forever.

She hadn't realized that she was sobbing until she felt the dampness of tears leaking through her fingers. She felt so torn, so confused.

Finally, exhausted and cold, she decided to head back to the hotel room. Hopefully he'd be asleep and she could... she wasn't sure what to do. Grab her bags and disappear into the night? Crawl in next to him and pretend things were as before? Take him up on his plan?
The hotel room was dark and warm. The air conditioning was turned off, and it was eerily silent. She decided that she was too tired to run, and made her way over the bed. In the orangey streetlight gloom that filtered in, she noticed the bed was untouched. He wasn't asleep. She realized now the eery silence was that of an empty room. There was no soft breathing from another person. She flicked on the lamp and looked around.